Sobered up this morning and realised I was pissed off being skint and unemployed …So I sent the girlfriend for a job interview at IKEA. The guy said “Come in, build yourself a chair and sit down”.
Do I get the job?
She didn’t get the job, and I was so laid back about it my doctor reckons I’ve got really low blood pressure.
He prescribed two sets of IKEA self assembly wall units.
Actally they looked OK, but I decided to opt for something that went together a bit more securely. Cereal boxes.
Self assembly not required
Talking of secure, I’m having computer problems…
USB – Un-known Scientific Breakthrough
One day it’ll happen to you… Porn stash un-stashed!
Of course, the best way to make a grovelling apology to the female species …Cake
I was aiming at your mouth
Hmmmmm, Cake! Reminds me of the time I took my little sister with me as I got a hair cut.
She stood by the Barbers chair eating a cake when he turned to her and said ” you’re gonna get hair on your muffin”.
“Course I am” she said, ” an’ I’ll get tits too”.
Just as everyone’s forgetting that the Royal Wedding fucked the week up and cost 1,000′s of business £millions when they were forced to close, the palace release a couple of snaps to re-kindle public interest…
Wills 'The Willy'
I’m not one of these pricks who beleives Bin Laden’s still alive.
However, rumour has it that Osama Bin Laden topped himself rather than watch a 4th day of Royal Wedding highlights.
Osama Bin Hidin' - Guiness world hide 'n' seek record holder
Wills pops his cork
And talking of birds I’d like to get in the sack…
Ellie Goulding nips out
Legs Wide Shut
Down the pub last night and there’s these two birds with really strong Cardiff accents.
I know that accent I said. “you two girls are from Scotland, ain’t you?”
“Wales you fucking prick”, one of them barked back.
“Sorry” I said, “you two whales are from Scotland!”
One lump, or two?
Britney Spears, yea I know, she’s no Rihanna, and she ain’t a patch on Beyonce either (or Christina or Katy Perry for that matter).
But anyway, here she is, baring her soul (and stuff) in the most controversial, but openly honest interview she’s done for weeks.
Interview compiled by Fat Bastard
Photography by Mike Oxlong
Fat Bastard – Britney, I would like to know how a beautiful young girl like yourself deals with the tremendous pressure of international superstardom. Don’t you ever feel burnt out?
Britney Spears – Shit No, I just love being famous – it’s a fucking carnival ride man, an’ I’m doin’ just great!!!
FB – That’s good to hear, what’s your secret?
Doin' Just Great!
BS – Well lets see… I’m on drugs most of the time. That helps. I’ve started shooting guns, an shit. I’m always pissed as a fuckin’ fart. Oh yea, and my new boyfriend (Jason Trawick) fucks like an animal!
FB – So your not against drugs then? In previous statements you’ve always said…
BS – Fuck man! I’m not supposed to talk ’bout that! My lawyers gonna be so pissed off at me. Want some breakfast? Don’t be shy…I’m having some anyway. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, drugs are bad. Don’t do that shit!
Next fucking question please!
FB – There’s been a lot of… Er, sorry Britney, I can see your… You might like to cover your, er, self! Your, er, ahemmm is showing!!
BS - What this old thing, fuck man every guy on the planet’s seen my bacon! Hey, didn’t you go down on me in my last interview? Or was it some other guy? No, I’m sure it was you… You’ve got a small dick, right?
This old thing?
FB – I think you must have me confused with someone else!
BS – Oh yeah big boy! Why don’t you an that cute guy with the camera have ourselves a good old fashioned threesome right here on the floor then?
Yeah, Big Boy!
Fat Bastard – Well, I really don’t know if…SURE!!!
We spent a whole day enduring the ‘most ridiculous fukin hat in the UK’ competition, only to discover what we already know. Give spoilt little rich girls a few £££’s from the taxpayer and they’ll go out of their way to look stupid.
WTF's that ugly piece of shit on her head?? Oh yea, ginger hair!
Missing was Beatrice’s role model Mum, Sarah ‘Toe sucking Fergie’ Ferguson? Although both her kids were there, but she was banned in case she caused embarrassment. Luckily Tara Palmer Tomkinson (TPT) was there to represent all that is right and proper in the British society.
Shame though, coke snorting, ‘tits out for the lads’ Tara remained fully clothed on this occasion.
Tara - Royal Blue!
Also in the news this week:
After more ten years and trillions of dollars spent. Thousands of soldiers dead and horrifically wounded. State of the art surveylance technology and elite military intelegence officers. The Americans have finally found Osama Bin Laden… In his house!
This incident has emphasised the point that despite speaking the same language, it’s amazing how there’s some subtle differences between American-English and proper (UK) English -
For example :
American’s say “sidewalk” while we say “pavement”
They say “pants” we say “trousers”
They say “buried at sea” but we say “stripped naked in a concrete cell, chained to a steel bed frame with a car battery wired to the bollocks whilst being beaten for answers”
And talking about unlucky bastards, Russell Brand.
He was happy as a dog with two dicks ’till he copped an eyeful of Katy without her slap on.
Katy Perry - So what, I still would.
I was sat on the tube this morning sweating like James Corden in a cake shop, when this georgeous looking Thai bird sat down opposite.
Getting an eye-full upskirt I’m thinking, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection” …But she fuckin’ did!
He entered an erection contest and easily made it past the semis
Got off the tube and there’s this homeless guy sat on the floor with a three legged dog.
He’s holding a sign saying “Please help, I’m Starving” and I’m just thinking, nah, he can’t be that fuckin’ hungry, he’s not even finished his dog yet!
Up the road there’s another unwashed selling ‘The Big Issue’. Don’t they realise if it had tits in it the homeless crisis would be sorted by now?
Good news for the homeless - 85% Of accidents happen in the House
Some little old lady asked me how she could to get to the hospital – So I pushed her under the bus.
As I got on I spotted an old mate sat on his own so I went over. After the usual ‘what you been up-to’ and other inevitable bullshit chit-chat, there’s an awkward silence, so, I think of a joke.
‘What d’ya do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? – Throw in your washing’.
As we laughed the guy sat behind us, built like a brick shit-house, leaned over and said ‘NOT funny! My son had a fit in the bath and died’
We both shit ourselves as he stood up to get off the bus, then he added, ‘He choked on a sock’
Been some time since the last update.
Apart from being a lazy Fat Bastard there IS a reason …It started when I was arguing with some clever cunt that shoplifting and burglary was perfectly acceptable. For example, if you had a serious alcohol problem and needed beer tokens. Seems reasonable to me. A guy’s gotta drink beer, right?
Anyway, seems like some Judges never agree with common sense and the twat gave me 18 fuckin’ months!
Oh well, now back to buying my own food, paying rent, council tax, leccy bills and stuff.
Shit, wheres my crow bar.
Got a lot to catch up on …Seems that in Football sexism is a biy of a Gray area.
Sian Massey, or as she's now known 'Just for Men' ...Use once to get rid of Gray.
You couldn’t say I was sexist , I love women. I reckon every guy should have at least three.
Not sure about babies though. I like ‘em, but I couldn’t eat a full one.
Puddum erp, puddum erp
Hmmmm, Hooters - Like Father like son
That is daddy’s thumb, right??
Thought for the day:
When you’re sat on a bus, head set on, iPod volume top whack – REMEMBER …Your farts are only silent to yourself!
And talking about farting…
Boring Christmas? Your talkin' out your arse.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown decides to ban the legal high Mephedrone in the run up to the general election. (That’s Meow Meow to you and me:) What a Dick. Surely he’d have more chance of people voting for him if they were ON DRUGS! Prick.
Meanwhile the icelandic volcano’s still blowing Ash…. That’s more than Cheryl Cole is!
And the airlines are still grounded. Still, at least this cuts down the immigration and stops the Chris Moyles show for a while.
Iceland shafted us last year too when their banks went tits up with all our dosh – We asked for cash and all we got was fucking ash!
Apparently the pope cried when he met some of the pedo priests sex abuse victims – Well they do say that tears are a paedophiles lubricant of choice.
Pope on a Rope
I admit I’m a junk food addict, but calling McDonalds a restaurant is like calling Scooby Doo a detective series. Everyone knows it’s really a fantasy porn show.
Scooby Dooby Doo!
KFC bring out a bunless chicken burger. Sounds good, they’ve moved on from the early days of ‘chicken in a basket’.
But hey, WTF’s wrong with a bird in a basket?
Now and again I get problems with my ears – infections, wax and stuff. so, I go down the Doctors…
“Can you describe the symptoms?” says the doc.
“Yeh, no problem… Homer is a lazy yellow fat bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!”
Homer is a cunt
So, I’m trying to look after my health. I cut down the drinking a bit, but you know it was a good night out when you fart the next day and have to wipe your arse. Probably the crap I eat too though – Believe it or not there’s a sign in McDonalds that says ‘Sorry we don’t accept £50 notes’ -
Jesus, if I had a £50 note I’m fucked if I’d be spending it on that shite!
Going to mcdonalds for a salad? That's like going to a brothel for a hug.
Nothing quite says, ‘I’m an ugly bastard with no personality’ quite like having a Thai wife.
Although she did just say I have a big cock. Whoops, I forgot the punctuation, should read as…. She did just say, “I have a big cock”.
They couldn't understand how to 'Give Head' correctly
My Dad once said, “Son, always try to make sure you have a bird on the end of your cock at every possibility”
Good advice, and I quite like coloured birds actually.
One cock or two? - It's a Cockatoo
Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year…It’s called the iRon
I’m not sexist, but Women should know their place and, always do their clothes shopping at male recommended shopping areas. The t-shirt shop below, for example.
T-Shirt - Looks like it might be a tight fit!
Top Skank Lady GaGa gets her kit off again, this time in an attempt to prove conclusively that ‘she’ doesn’t have a dick – Ummm, not convinced.
This pic snatched from her banned video for ‘Telephone’, featuring Beyonce (for some reason) has actually had the all important juicy bits blurred out. So, not proof at all.
Lady GaGa's visual interpretation of Alexander Graham Bell's communication device, the Telephone.
Nice tits though , even if ‘she’ does one day turn out to be a bloke.
You can download the (semi) uncensored, Banned Lady GaGa and Beyonce Video here, but it’s really not worth wanking over.
Although maybe she was, once…
Stefani Germanotta... Before she went GaGa
Mix up the letters in the words ‘large breasts’ and they become a perfect anagram of ‘great braless’. Fascinating uh?
Great rack - Park your bike material
On BBC news this week…. ‘Baby born to a brain dead woman’
I’m not really sure why that’s news. That shit happens every day on council estates all over the country.
But talking of mingers, you know you’re a fat ugly bitch when you walk past a site and the builders shout, “Show us your personality!”
3 Headed girl seeks blind guy with 3 dicks
Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Katie Price (Jordan)… They and many other skanks boosted their careers by sucking and fucking on film. The celebrity ‘stolen’ sex tape has given a boost to dozens of talentless bimbo’s…
And the latest to jump on this gravy train of sleaze? None other than Scotlands own, X-factor singing sensation, Susan Boyle!
See Subo in all her glory Tits Out and Sucking Cock – Not a pretty sight, but at least it stops her singing for a few minutes!
Subo - The seX-Factor
I got a txt message yesterday, obviously meant for someone else, it said:
‘Hi, be home soon, love ya loads, Steve xxx’
Course, I had to have a bit of fun so I txt the guy back:
‘Don’t bother you ugly cunt, I don’t love You and I’ve been fucking your brother’
I couldn’t wait for the reply… Then it came:
‘You OK Mum?’
Txt Messages - Getting your priorities right
Your Mum’s so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending
Katie Price has gone too far this time
I tried my hand at a valentines day verse to try and charm the knickers off my gf….
‘Roses are red, but there’s also white, pink and yellow varieties too.
Violets aren’t actually blue, they’re fucking violet, hence the name!’
I’ve got OCD. And my poetry skills are also lacking so fuck it, it’s another wank tonight.
A cross I have to bear
John Terry’s wife admit’s she has no grudges against him or celebrity bike Vanessa Perroncel over their affair. To prove it she’s bought them both a toyota.
Meanwhile Ashley Cole was pulled over doing 98mph in a 30 zone.
When quizzed by the old bill as to why he was driving so fast he replied, “l’ve just heard John Terry is parked outside my house!”
The car in front is a Toyota - 'Cos it can't fucking stop!
The ipad, It’s like inventing the wheel then a year later saying ”Hey, look, I’ve Invented a bigger wheel”
Apparently Apple’s Steve Jobs was repeatedly told to reconsider the iPad’s name due to it conjuring up images of sanitary pads.
His reply was simple – “The average Mac user doesn’t even know what a vagina is, never mind a fucking tampax.”
iPad. There's a flap for that
Girls are finally embracing modern technology and deciding it’s a great idea to take a digital camera into the bathroom. Hoorah
'Self Shooting' is a natural pastime that should be positively encouraged...
Wide angle lens required
They reckon peoples surnames came from the jobs that their ancestors had. Smith being a Blacksmith for example.
Personally, I’ve always been concerned about people called Dickinson!
And talking about jobs, I dug out a pic of the head at my old school, Mr Dick.
Personally I wouldn't even leave the house with a haircut that bad
After 12 pints of Stella ‘wife beater’ Artois I finally decided to stop drinking when I stared at the picture below…
And it looked normal!
Stella Artois - Putting women in their place since 1833
Still a bit skint after beering myself up over Christmas I did a Google for one of those stupidly-high-interest short term loans to keep me in cake ’til payday. Found badcreditpayday.co.uk and was drawn to the picture on the main page of the site.
Maybe it’s me, but is the bird in this pic knickerless? It’s hard to tell, but I’m pretty sure that she is indeed flashing the gash!
Hooray, I got a loan to buy some underwear
Need cash? Flash your gash!
Sometimes though a little clothing on a girl can be just as interesting.
Extreme camel-toe and Scania wheel-nut nipples
Or even just plain practical!
Never forget though, women can be bitches. Last night she forced me to watch a programe on BBC – Murder, alcoholism, gratuitous violence, abortion, drug abuse, sexual infidelity, general mental cases…
Actually though, I must admit Eastenders did get quite interesting in parts. See the picture of Minty, below.
Eastenders Minty poses in Heathers silk panties
Sad to hear about the Haiti earthquake – Apparently when the dust settles, Gordon Brown’s sending over £6 million in aid… And a plane load of Scousers to teach the survivors how to loot properly.
At least they didn’t have the snow we had here in England. I woke up one morning to a good 8 inches!
A longggggg drive home
Jeremy Clarkson tries to avoid being spotted in his new car
So fucking cold here I’m thinking about taking a holiday – Just a bit wary of those so called ‘naked’ body scanner xray type things that are gonna get installed in every airport.
De-pervertised xray pic
I’m no pervert, but if I was, I’d take the original xray pic, load it into PhotoShop, and click on the invert button…
As if by magic, instant wanking material.
Pervertised! WTF would we do without Photoshop?
After a night on the beer and smoke, I felt a little horse when I got home…
A good ride?
Brittany Murphy collapsed of a heart attack in the shower – She went out of the world as she came in to it, no not clueless, but completely naked.
Apparently her husband tried to revive her with chest massage, as did 3 passers by, the paramedics, the police, the fire crew, and the undertakers.
Brittany Murphy + see through dress = Drop dead gorgeous.
When I was a kid, my mum would send me down the shops with 50p. I could get a joint of beef, a dozen eggs, 2 loaves of bread and a pair of jeans. Those days are long gone now though…fucking CCTV!
Nothing wrong with using a mirror glued to the toe of your shoe... But hooray for modern upskirt view technology.
X Factor’s is Stacey Soloman is going to be huge. But I still would.
Big (very big!) X factor star, Stacey Soloman
RATM verses Joe McElderry… ‘Bullying’ says X-Factor multi-millionaire Simon Cowell.
Bullying? This coming from the smug twat who’s reduced dozens of youngsters to tears with his needlessly cruel comments.
‘Scowell’ planned the X Factor final to finish a week before the Christmas charts so the winner can flood the music market and win the prized number one spot over the holiday period. Rage Against The Machine have, with the backing of (for once a sensible) Facebook campain, thrown a much deserved spanner in the Cowell works. Wicked:)
I’ve never paid for a single download in my life. Until this week. A week that’s seen Cowell’s sterile pop monopoly stopped in it’s tracks. The race to the top of UK charts has become exciting again.
Killing in the name is a shit hot rock track. The Climb is just shit.
Congrats to RATM on your UK number one this Christmas
Out-Rage-d - Simon Cowell
There’s no better eye candy than a cute naked girl…
Yummy! Wrap her up for Christmas
But always look twice before you whip your cock out!
Anyway, whilst on the subject of animals, my girlfriend was gonna fork £100 of my hard earned at the vets today… After a long illness our faithful old mongrel has to be put to sleep.
Unfortunately, while she was in bed last night, it accidentally ate 60 paracetamol tablets, and drank half a bottle of vodka. Clumsy old thing.
Fuck a Duck