Prime Minister Gordon Brown decides to ban the legal high Mephedrone in the run up to the general election. (That’s Meow Meow to you and me:) What a Dick. Surely he’d have more chance of people voting for him if they were ON DRUGS! Prick.
Meanwhile the icelandic volcano’s still blowing Ash…. That’s more than Cheryl Cole is! And the airlines are still grounded. Still, at least this cuts down the immigration and stops the Chris Moyles show for a while. Iceland shafted us last year too when their banks went tits up with all our dosh – We asked for cash and all we got was fucking ash!
Iceland
Apparently the pope cried when he met some of the pedo priests sex abuse victims – Well they do say that tears are a paedophiles lubricant of choice.
Pope on a Rope
I admit I’m a junk food addict, but calling McDonalds a restaurant is like calling Scooby Doo a detective series. Everyone knows it’s really a fantasy porn show.
Scooby Dooby Doo!
Scooby Don't
KFC bring out a bunless chicken burger. Sounds good, they’ve moved on from the early days of ‘chicken in a basket’. But hey, WTF’s wrong with a bird in a basket?
Basket Case
Now and again I get problems with my ears – infections, wax and stuff. so, I go down the Doctors… “Can you describe the symptoms?” says the doc. “Yeh, no problem… Homer is a lazy yellow fat bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!”
Homer is a cunt
So, I’m trying to look after my health. I cut down the drinking a bit, but you know it was a good night out when you fart the next day and have to wipe your arse. Probably the crap I eat too though – Believe it or not there’s a sign in McDonalds that says ‘Sorry we don’t accept £50 notes’ - Jesus, if I had a £50 note I’m fucked if I’d be spending it on that shite!
Going to mcdonalds for a salad? That's like going to a brothel for a hug.
Nothing quite says, ‘I’m an ugly bastard with no personality’ quite like having a Thai wife. Although she did just say I have a big cock. Whoops, I forgot the punctuation, should read as…. She did just say, “I have a big cock”.
They couldn't understand how to 'Give Head' correctly
My Dad once said, “Son, always try to make sure you have a bird on the end of your cock at every possibility” Good advice, and I quite like coloured birds actually.
One cock or two? - It's a Cockatoo
Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year…It’s called the iRon I’m not sexist, but Women should know their place and, always do their clothes shopping at male recommended shopping areas. The t-shirt shop below, for example.
T-Shirt - Looks like it might be a tight fit!
Top Skank Lady GaGa gets her kit off again, this time in an attempt to prove conclusively that ’she’ doesn’t have a dick – Ummm, not convinced.
This pic snatched from her banned video for ‘Telephone’, featuring Beyonce (for some reason) has actually had the all important juicy bits blurred out. So, not proof at all.
Lady GaGa's visual interpretation of Alexander Graham Bell's communication device, the Telephone.
Nice tits though , even if ’she’ does one day turn out to be a bloke. You can download the (semi) uncensored, Banned Lady GaGa and Beyonce Video here, but it’s really not worth wanking over. Although maybe she was, once…
Stefani Germanotta... Before she went GaGa
Lady G play the part of Sweet 16 Stefani in her new video, 'dress like a freak and show your tits to get famous'
Mix up the letters in the words ‘large breasts’ and they become a perfect anagram of ‘great braless’. Fascinating uh?
Great rack - Park your bike material
Baby blooper
On BBC news this week…. ‘Baby born to a brain dead woman’ I’m not really sure why that’s news. That shit happens every day on council estates all over the country. But talking of mingers, you know you’re a fat ugly bitch when you walk past a site and the builders shout, “Show us your personality!”
3 Headed girl seeks blind guy with 3 dicks
Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Katie Price (Jordan)… They and many other skanks boosted their careers by sucking and fucking on film. The celebrity ’stolen’ sex tape has given a boost to dozens of talentless bimbo’s… And the latest to jump on this gravy train of sleaze? None other than Scotlands own, X-factor singing sensation, Susan Boyle! See Subo in all her glory Tits Out and Sucking Cock – Not a pretty sight, but at least it stops her singing for a few minutes!
Subo - The seX-Factor
I got a txt message yesterday, obviously meant for someone else, it said: ‘Hi, be home soon, love ya loads, Steve xxx’ Course, I had to have a bit of fun so I txt the guy back: ‘Don’t bother you ugly cunt, I don’t love You and I’ve been fucking your brother’ I couldn’t wait for the reply… Then it came: ‘You OK Mum?’
Txt Messages - Getting your priorities right
Your Mum’s so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending
Katie Price has gone too far this time
I tried my hand at a valentines day verse to try and charm the knickers off my gf…. ‘Roses are red, but there’s also white, pink and yellow varieties too. Violets aren’t actually blue, they’re fucking violet, hence the name!’ I’ve got OCD. And my poetry skills are also lacking so fuck it, it’s another wank tonight.
A cross I have to bear
John Terry’s wife admit’s she has no grudges against him or celebrity bike Vanessa Perroncel over their affair. To prove it she’s bought them both a toyota.
Meanwhile Ashley Cole was pulled over doing 98mph in a 30 zone. When quizzed by the old bill as to why he was driving so fast he replied, “l’ve just heard John Terry is parked outside my house!”
The car in front is a Toyota - 'Cos it can't fucking stop!
The ipad, It’s like inventing the wheel then a year later saying ”Hey, look, I’ve Invented a bigger wheel”
Apparently Apple’s Steve Jobs was repeatedly told to reconsider the iPad’s name due to it conjuring up images of sanitary pads. His reply was simple – “The average Mac user doesn’t even know what a vagina is, never mind a fucking tampax.”
iPad. There's a flap for that
Girls are finally embracing modern technology and deciding it’s a great idea to take a digital camera into the bathroom. Hoorah
'Self Shooting' is a natural pastime that should be positively encouraged...
Sometimes!
Wide angle lens required
They reckon peoples surnames came from the jobs that their ancestors had. Smith being a Blacksmith for example. Personally, I’ve always been concerned about people called Dickinson!
And talking about jobs, I dug out a pic of the head at my old school, Mr Dick.
Personally I wouldn't even leave the house with a haircut that bad
After 12 pints of Stella ‘wife beater’ Artois I finally decided to stop drinking when I stared at the picture below… And it looked normal!
Stella Artois - Putting women in their place since 1833
Still a bit skint after beering myself up over Christmas I did a Google for one of those stupidly-high-interest short term loans to keep me in cake ’til payday. Found badcreditpayday.co.uk and was drawn to the picture on the main page of the site. Maybe it’s me, but is the bird in this pic knickerless? It’s hard to tell, but I’m pretty sure that she is indeed flashing the gash!
Hooray, I got a loan to buy some underwear
Need cash? Flash your gash!
Sometimes though a little clothing on a girl can be just as interesting.
Extreme camel-toe and Scania wheel-nut nipples
Or even just plain practical!
Wifey material
Never forget though, women can be bitches. Last night she forced me to watch a programe on BBC – Murder, alcoholism, gratuitous violence, abortion, drug abuse, sexual infidelity, general mental cases… Actually though, I must admit Eastenders did get quite interesting in parts. See the picture of Minty, below.
Eastenders Minty poses in Heathers silk panties
Sad to hear about the Haiti earthquake – Apparently when the dust settles, Gordon Brown’s sending over £6 million in aid… And a plane load of Scousers to teach the survivors how to loot properly.
At least they didn’t have the snow we had here in England. I woke up one morning to a good 8 inches!
A longggggg drive home
Jeremy Clarkson tries to avoid being spotted in his new car
So fucking cold here I’m thinking about taking a holiday – Just a bit wary of those so called ‘naked’ body scanner xray type things that are gonna get installed in every airport.
De-pervertised xray pic
I’m no pervert, but if I was, I’d take the original xray pic, load it into PhotoShop, and click on the invert button… As if by magic, instant wanking material.
Pervertised! WTF would we do without Photoshop?
After a night on the beer and smoke, I felt a little horse when I got home…
A good ride?
Brittany Murphy collapsed of a heart attack in the shower – She went out of the world as she came in to it, no not clueless, but completely naked. Apparently her husband tried to revive her with chest massage, as did 3 passers by, the paramedics, the police, the fire crew, and the undertakers.
Brittany Murphy + see through dress = Drop dead gorgeous.
When I was a kid, my mum would send me down the shops with 50p. I could get a joint of beef, a dozen eggs, 2 loaves of bread and a pair of jeans. Those days are long gone now though…fucking CCTV!
Nothing wrong with using a mirror glued to the toe of your shoe... But hooray for modern upskirt view technology.
X Factor’s is Stacey Soloman is going to be huge. But I still would.
Big (very big!) X factor star, Stacey Soloman
RATM verses Joe McElderry… ‘Bullying’ says X-Factor multi-millionaire Simon Cowell. Bullying? This coming from the smug twat who’s reduced dozens of youngsters to tears with his needlessly cruel comments. ‘Scowell’ planned the X Factor final to finish a week before the Christmas charts so the winner can flood the music market and win the prized number one spot over the holiday period. Rage Against The Machine have, with the backing of (for once a sensible) Facebook campain, thrown a much deserved spanner in the Cowell works. Wicked:) I’ve never paid for a single download in my life. Until this week. A week that’s seen Cowell’s sterile pop monopoly stopped in it’s tracks. The race to the top of UK charts has become exciting again. Killing in the name is a shit hot rock track. The Climb is just shit.
Congrats to RATM on your UK number one this Christmas
Out-Rage-d - Simon Cowell
There’s no better eye candy than a cute naked girl…
Yummy! Wrap her up for Christmas
But always look twice before you whip your cock out!
Anyway, whilst on the subject of animals, my girlfriend was gonna fork £100 of my hard earned at the vets today… After a long illness our faithful old mongrel has to be put to sleep. Unfortunately, while she was in bed last night, it accidentally ate 60 paracetamol tablets, and drank half a bottle of vodka. Clumsy old thing.
Fuck a Duck
Amanda Knox guilty? Guilty of giving me a hard on everytime I saw her on TV maybe, but that’s about all. I can’t help but imagine 26 years in a womens prison… fuck I’m gettin’ a boner again!
Anyway, whilst on the subject of prick-pleasers, I spotted this bikini shot of Emma Watson doing the rounds – Spoilt though by two things… (1) The bikini, and (2) If you squint a little bit it looks like she’s got some sort of animals cock.
Emma Watson, over-dressed.
What to do with all the used condoms you’ve thrown under the bed after the event? Simple. Turn fashion guru and have her model the next catwalk phenomena.
One size fits all
Ugliest picture I’ve seen all week…
There's a fine line between living with man-boobs and suicide
And not the ugliest picture I’ve seen all week…
She's board
I was down the pub the other night when this half tasty bird walks up, eyes up my beer belly and asks, “Is that Guinness or Stella?” I told her, “There’s a tap underneath love, help yourself.” Then she showed me her tattoo and I swear I heard wedding bells.
As if you needed to be told!
Her boyfriend came over and introduced himself. Time for a sharp exit.
He couldn't understand why he didn't get that job as toilet cleaner at McDonalds
It was pissing down and I was getting soaked – So I went to McDonalds and asked for a big mac.
Big Buns, but no ketchup?
And after the wettest November ever in UK history, it’s still pissing down…
Her mouth is wide open... And they say blondes are dumb!
Elin Nordegren’s as fit as – So why the fuck would Tiger Woods ever want to play away from home? Yeh OK, waitress Jaimee Grubbs, ten years his junior and also fit as, fair play. You gotta feel for him though. His misses clocks his txt’s and beats the fuck out of him. He’s so shit scared he runs out of his house and jumps in his motor to escape the mad bitch.
Then, she chases him down the drive and he’s so dazed from her having slapped him around that he meets up with a tree and fire hydrant at high speed. Ouch. Pyscho wife catches up and then proceeds to smash his car up with his own golf club. But, to cap it all, he’s now been charged by the old bill and faces a fine of up to $180.
Christ, glad I’m not a Billionaire playboy with the worlds cushiest job!
Just playing 'around'
Talking of sport, but good sports this time, 19 yr old Anita Fillet (prob not her real name) sent me a pictue of her tits. Thanks slut.
Which one's she talkin' about?
She also sent me a ‘pervert test’ pic – Look through the camera strap. Obviously, I see an armpit – What about you?
Three girls in a bedroom. Christmas and birthday in one.
I was pissed up on vodka red-bull last night and quite naturally I got home totally gagging for it. Ok, back-track a bit, she’s on the rag and I don’t fancy wearing a bloody mary. So it’s simple. Blow job.
Now, 20 minutes of her time wouldn’t have killed her, but no. Instead she goes into ‘what do I get from sucking you off’ mode, with a face that looked like a dog licking piss off a nettle. Even offering her a tenner didn’t swing it. In fact it’ll cost that to replace the vase and clean the carpet. Loopy bitch.
We eventually spent the night playing poker instead, and I beat her. So at least that was two things I enjoyed doing
What - No blow job?
Yep, I’ve come to terms with the fact that all women are totally fucked up.
Cup of tea... And a whiff of bacon
…And can’t drive
Women driver arrested for damaging fence
…and don’t have any dress sense
Pork Norks
It never ceases to amaze me that people stay in on a Saturday night just to watch the X Factor on TV. OK, Cheryl Cole’s as fuckable as they come, but Jedward – John and Fuckin Edward, WTF? I’d rather let Susan Boyle shit in my mouth than watch that pair of talentless twin twats.
Luckily tho’ it didn’t take long for last years winner, Alexandra Burke to realise you can bump up your famous-ness by flashing a bit of gash whenever you get chance – Just wish she’d tell Leona Lewis that.
Burke Alexandra - Flashing the gash for cash
John and Edward, the early years.
Jedward - Still as immature as the day they were concieved
If you were a fat, greasy mop haired speccy bastard with no dress sense, would you pose in the mirror for a selfpic and post it on the internet? No, of course not. You’d make sure you had a stonker of a boner pushing through your boxers first. Obviously.
Sexxxxxxxxxxy
For animal lovers, a cute pussy…
A cat riding an invisible bike
For people who like to have sex with animals…
A horse dressed in a frog outfit
Im a Fat Bastard (tho’ I’m more of a Bastard than I am fat) – However, that’s a man thing and therefore not a problem. Thing is, when a girl lets herself go and has ‘just one more’ lettuce and cucumber Ryvita, it’s a different matter. When greed sets in a woman can become morbidly obese in a matter of hours, with the onset of divorce rapidly following – Usually the next day by a sympathetic Judge.
Remember: Fat Bastard = NO Problem Fat Bitch = Big FAT Problem
Greedy Fat Bitch
However, if you find a bird who does gymnastic bendy stuff, she’s always a winner. (If she swallows, then that’s an added bonus) Take her home to meet Grandma.
Yeh, I need a haircut, I know!
Can you look at this picture and not think about sex? Me neither.
