I was pissed up on vodka red-bull last night and quite naturally I got home totally gagging for it. Ok, back-track a bit, she’s on the rag and I don’t fancy wearing a bloody mary.
So it’s simple. Blow job.

Now, 20 minutes of her time wouldn’t have killed her, but no. Instead she goes into ‘what do I get from sucking you off’ mode, with a face that looked like a dog licking piss off a nettle.
Even offering her a tenner didn’t swing it. In fact it’ll cost that to replace the vase and clean the carpet. Loopy bitch.

We eventually spent the night playing poker instead, and I beat her. So at least that was two things I enjoyed doing

What - No blow job?

Yep, I’ve come to terms with the fact that all women are totally fucked up.

Cup of tea... And a whiff of bacon

…And can’t drive

Women driver arrested for damaging fence

…and don’t have any dress sense

Pork Norks

It never ceases to amaze me that people stay in on a Saturday night just to watch the X Factor on TV.
OK, Cheryl Cole’s as fuckable as they come, but Jedward – John and Fuckin Edward, WTF? I’d rather let Susan Boyle shit in my mouth than watch that pair of talentless twin twats.

Luckily tho’ it didn’t take long for last years winner, Alexandra Burke to realise you can bump up your famous-ness by flashing a bit of gash whenever you get chance – Just wish she’d tell Leona Lewis that.

Burke Alexandra - Flashing the gash for cash

John and Edward, the early years.

Jedward - Still as immature as the day they were concieved

If you were a fat, greasy mop haired speccy bastard with no dress sense, would you pose in the mirror for a selfpic and post it on the internet? No, of course not.
You’d make sure you had a stonker of a boner pushing through your boxers first. Obviously.

Sexxxxxxxxxxy

For animal lovers, a cute pussy…

A cat riding an invisible bike

For people who like to have sex with animals…

A horse dressed in a frog outfit

Im a Fat Bastard (tho’ I’m more of a Bastard than I am fat) – However, that’s a man thing and therefore not a problem.
Thing is, when a girl lets herself go and has ‘just one more’ lettuce and cucumber Ryvita, it’s a different matter. When greed sets in a woman can become morbidly obese in a matter of hours, with the onset of divorce rapidly following – Usually the next day by a sympathetic Judge.

Remember:
Fat Bastard = NO Problem
Fat Bitch = Big FAT Problem

Greedy Fat Bitch

However, if you find a bird who does gymnastic bendy stuff, she’s always a winner.  (If she swallows, then that’s an added bonus) Take her home to meet Grandma.

Yeh, I need a haircut, I know!

Can you look at this picture and not think about sex? Me neither.

I just noticed that my ironing board cover was wrinkled – I laughed out loud at the irony. Then I lol’d again because irony has the word iron in it.
But infinitely more important than any of this bollox… What does Jeremy do?

Jeremy Irons

The Sun newspaper last week carried the story – ‘Girl has sex with dolphin’ Of course the girl claimed it was all a mis-understanding as she ‘must have smelt of fish from an encounter with her boyfriend over breakfast’ (?) But I think it’s obvious… She did it on porpose!

"We get on great... We just clicked"

There’s a Van Gogh painting in my local museum. A sign underneath it says ‘loaned anonymously’ So I went to the front desk and said, “I’d like my Van Gogh back now, please”
We finally got kicked out when my girlfriend sucked off a statue. She said it was worth it though, hardest cock she’d ever blown!

A monumental cock-up

I’ve decided to produce a mega-strong, tramp-juice-like alcoholic drink and call it “Responsibly”
Then everyone in the country can get totally shit faced whilst drinking responsibly. Best of all, the other drinks manufacturers will be advertising my drink on their bottles and cans with the slogan “Please drink responsibly”
As a bonus I reckon it’ll piss the government off as well.

Wifey Material

Don’t forget, Keep your Responsibly beer nice n chilled in the fridge. That’s Beer in the fridge. Not naked Girlfriends. Get it?

Nice, but where's the fuckin beer?!!!

Just got a bill off my dentist for £600. He said my smile had improved 100% – Thing is I aint got fuck all to smile about with my wallet 600 beer tokens lighter. Fuckin shark.

Pearly (Great) Whites