Sobered up this morning and realised I was pissed off being skint and unemployed …So I sent the girlfriend for a job interview at IKEA. The guy said “Come in, build yourself a chair and sit down”.

Do I get the job?

She didn’t get the job, and I was so laid back about it my doctor reckons I’ve got really low blood pressure.
He prescribed two sets of IKEA self assembly wall units.

Actally they looked OK, but I decided to opt for something that went together a bit more securely. Cereal boxes.

Self assembly not required

Talking of secure, I’m having computer problems…

USB - Un-known Scientific Breakthrough

One day it’ll happen to you… Porn stash un-stashed!

Sorry Mum!

Of course, the best way to make a grovelling apology to the female species …Cake

I was aiming at your mouth

Hmmmmm, Cake! Reminds me of the time I took my little sister with me as I got a hair cut.

She stood by the Barbers chair eating a cake when he turned to her and said ” you’re gonna get hair on your muffin”.

“Course I am” she said, ” an’ I’ll get tits too”.

Just as everyone’s forgetting that the Royal Wedding fucked the week up and cost 1,000’s of business £millions when they were forced to close, the palace release a couple of snaps to re-kindle public interest…

Wills 'The Willy'

I’m not one of these pricks who beleives Bin Laden’s still alive.

However, rumour has it that Osama Bin Laden topped himself rather than watch a 4th day of Royal Wedding highlights.

Osama Bin Hidin' - Guiness world hide 'n' seek record holder

Wills pops his cork

And talking of birds I’d like to get in the sack…

Ellie Goulding nips out

Legs Wide Shut

Goin' down

Down the pub last night and there’s these two birds with really strong Cardiff accents.

I know that accent I said. “you two girls are from Scotland, ain’t you?”

“Wales you fucking prick”, one of them barked back.

“Sorry” I said, “you two whales are from Scotland!”

One lump, or two?

Britney Spears, yea I know, she’s no Rihanna, and she ain’t a patch on Beyonce either (or Christina or Katy Perry for that matter).
But anyway, here she is, baring her soul (and stuff) in the most controversial, but openly honest interview she’s done for weeks.

Interview compiled by Fat Bastard
Photography by Mike Oxlong

Fat Bastard – Britney, I would like to know how a beautiful young girl like yourself deals with the tremendous pressure of international superstardom. Don’t you ever feel burnt out?

Britney Spears...

Britney Spears – Shit No, I just love being famous – it’s a fucking carnival ride man, an’ I’m doin’ just great!!!

FB – That’s good to hear, what’s your secret?

Doin' Just Great!

BS – Well lets see… I’m on drugs most of the time. That helps. I’ve started shooting guns, an shit. I’m always pissed as a fuckin’ fart. Oh yea, and my new boyfriend (Jason Trawick) fucks like an animal!

FB – So your not against drugs then? In previous statements you’ve always said…

BS – Fuck man! I’m not supposed to talk ’bout that! My lawyers gonna be so pissed off at me. Want some breakfast? Don’t be shy…I’m having some anyway. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, drugs are bad. Don’t do that shit!
Next fucking question please!

Breakfast?

FB – There’s been a lot of… Er, sorry Britney, I can see your… You might like to cover your, er, self! Your, er, ahemmm is showing!!

Ahemm!

BS - What this old thing, fuck man every guy on the planet’s seen my bacon! Hey, didn’t you go down on me in my last interview? Or was it some other guy? No, I’m sure it was you… You’ve got a small dick, right?

This old thing?

FB – I think you must have me confused with someone else!

BS – Oh yeah big boy! Why don’t you an that cute guy with the camera have ourselves a good old fashioned threesome right here on the floor then?

Yeah, Big Boy!

Fat Bastard – Well, I really don’t know if…SURE!!!

We spent a whole day enduring the ‘most ridiculous fukin hat in the UK’ competition, only to discover what we already know. Give spoilt little rich girls a few £££’s from the taxpayer and they’ll go out of their way to look stupid.

WTF's that ugly piece of shit on her head?? Oh yea, ginger hair!

Missing was Beatrice’s role model Mum, Sarah ‘Toe sucking Fergie’ Ferguson? Although both her kids were there, but she was banned in case she caused embarrassment. Luckily Tara Palmer Tomkinson (TPT) was there to represent all that is right and proper in the British society.
Shame though, coke snorting, ‘tits out for the lads’ Tara remained fully clothed on this occasion.

Tara - Royal Blue!

Also in the news this week:

After more ten years and trillions of dollars spent. Thousands of soldiers dead and horrifically wounded. State of the art surveylance technology and elite military intelegence officers. The Americans have finally found Osama Bin Laden… In his house!

This incident has emphasised the point that despite speaking the same language, it’s amazing how there’s some subtle differences between American-English and proper (UK) English -

For example :

American’s say “sidewalk” while we say “pavement”

They say “pants” we say “trousers”

They say “buried at sea” but we say “stripped naked in a concrete cell, chained to a steel bed frame with a car battery wired to the bollocks whilst being beaten for answers”

And talking about unlucky bastards, Russell Brand.
He was happy as a dog with two dicks ’till he copped an eyeful of Katy without her slap on.

Katy Perry - So what, I still would.