Amanda Knox guilty? Guilty of giving me a hard on everytime I saw her on TV maybe, but that’s about all.
I can’t help but imagine 26 years in a womens prison… fuck I’m gettin’ a boner again!

Anyway, whilst on the subject of prick-pleasers, I spotted this bikini shot of Emma Watson doing the rounds – Spoilt though by two things… (1) The bikini, and (2) If you squint a little bit it looks like she’s got some sort of animals cock.

Emma Watson, over-dressed.

What to do with all the used condoms you’ve thrown under the bed after the event?
Simple. Turn fashion guru and have her model the next catwalk phenomena.

One size fits all

Ugliest picture I’ve seen all week…

There's a fine line between living with man-boobs and suicide

And not the ugliest picture I’ve seen all week…

She's board

I was down the pub the other night when this half tasty bird walks up, eyes up my beer belly and asks, “Is that Guinness or Stella?”
I told her, “There’s a tap underneath love, help yourself.” Then she showed me her tattoo and I swear I heard wedding bells.

As if you needed to be told!

Her boyfriend came over and introduced himself. Time for a sharp exit.

He couldn't understand why he didn't get that job as toilet cleaner at McDonalds

It was pissing down and I was getting soaked – So I went to McDonalds and asked for a big mac.

Big Buns, but no ketchup?

And after the wettest November ever in UK history, it’s still pissing down…

Her mouth is wide open... And they say blondes are dumb!

Elin Nordegren’s as fit as – So why the fuck would Tiger Woods ever want to play away from home? Yeh OK, waitress Jaimee Grubbs, ten years his junior and also fit as, fair play.
You gotta feel for him though. His misses clocks his txt’s and beats the fuck out of him. He’s so shit scared he runs out of his house and jumps in his motor to escape the mad bitch.

Then, she chases him down the drive and he’s so dazed from her having slapped him around that he meets up with a tree and fire hydrant at high speed.  Ouch.
Pyscho wife catches up and then proceeds to smash his car up with his own golf club. But, to cap it all, he’s now been charged by the old bill and faces a fine of up to $180.

Christ, glad I’m not a Billionaire playboy with the worlds cushiest job!

Just playing 'around'

Talking of sport, but good sports this time, 19 yr old Anita Fillet (prob not her real name) sent me a pictue of her tits. Thanks slut.

Which one's she talkin' about?

She also sent me a ‘pervert test’ pic – Look through the camera strap. Obviously, I see an armpit – What about you?

Three girls in a bedroom. Christmas and birthday in one.

I was pissed up on vodka red-bull last night and quite naturally I got home totally gagging for it. Ok, back-track a bit, she’s on the rag and I don’t fancy wearing a bloody mary.
So it’s simple. Blow job.

Now, 20 minutes of her time wouldn’t have killed her, but no. Instead she goes into ‘what do I get from sucking you off’ mode, with a face that looked like a dog licking piss off a nettle.
Even offering her a tenner didn’t swing it. In fact it’ll cost that to replace the vase and clean the carpet. Loopy bitch.

We eventually spent the night playing poker instead, and I beat her. So at least that was two things I enjoyed doing

What - No blow job?

Yep, I’ve come to terms with the fact that all women are totally fucked up.

Cup of tea... And a whiff of bacon

…And can’t drive

Women driver arrested for damaging fence

…and don’t have any dress sense

Pork Norks

It never ceases to amaze me that people stay in on a Saturday night just to watch the X Factor on TV.
OK, Cheryl Cole’s as fuckable as they come, but Jedward – John and Fuckin Edward, WTF? I’d rather let Susan Boyle shit in my mouth than watch that pair of talentless twin twats.

Luckily tho’ it didn’t take long for last years winner, Alexandra Burke to realise you can bump up your famous-ness by flashing a bit of gash whenever you get chance – Just wish she’d tell Leona Lewis that.

Burke Alexandra - Flashing the gash for cash

John and Edward, the early years.

Jedward - Still as immature as the day they were concieved

If you were a fat, greasy mop haired speccy bastard with no dress sense, would you pose in the mirror for a selfpic and post it on the internet? No, of course not.
You’d make sure you had a stonker of a boner pushing through your boxers first. Obviously.

Sexxxxxxxxxxy

For animal lovers, a cute pussy…

A cat riding an invisible bike

For people who like to have sex with animals…

A horse dressed in a frog outfit

Im a Fat Bastard (tho’ I’m more of a Bastard than I am fat) – However, that’s a man thing and therefore not a problem.
Thing is, when a girl lets herself go and has ‘just one more’ lettuce and cucumber Ryvita, it’s a different matter. When greed sets in a woman can become morbidly obese in a matter of hours, with the onset of divorce rapidly following – Usually the next day by a sympathetic Judge.

Remember:
Fat Bastard = NO Problem
Fat Bitch = Big FAT Problem

Greedy Fat Bitch

However, if you find a bird who does gymnastic bendy stuff, she’s always a winner.  (If she swallows, then that’s an added bonus) Take her home to meet Grandma.

Yeh, I need a haircut, I know!

Can you look at this picture and not think about sex? Me neither.

I just noticed that my ironing board cover was wrinkled – I laughed out loud at the irony. Then I lol’d again because irony has the word iron in it.
But infinitely more important than any of this bollox… What does Jeremy do?

Jeremy Irons

The Sun newspaper last week carried the story – ‘Girl has sex with dolphin’ Of course the girl claimed it was all a mis-understanding as she ‘must have smelt of fish from an encounter with her boyfriend over breakfast’ (?) But I think it’s obvious… She did it on porpose!

"We get on great... We just clicked"

There’s a Van Gogh painting in my local museum. A sign underneath it says ‘loaned anonymously’ So I went to the front desk and said, “I’d like my Van Gogh back now, please”
We finally got kicked out when my girlfriend sucked off a statue. She said it was worth it though, hardest cock she’d ever blown!

A monumental cock-up

I’ve decided to produce a mega-strong, tramp-juice-like alcoholic drink and call it “Responsibly”
Then everyone in the country can get totally shit faced whilst drinking responsibly. Best of all, the other drinks manufacturers will be advertising my drink on their bottles and cans with the slogan “Please drink responsibly”
As a bonus I reckon it’ll piss the government off as well.

Wifey Material

Don’t forget, Keep your Responsibly beer nice n chilled in the fridge. That’s Beer in the fridge. Not naked Girlfriends. Get it?

Nice, but where's the fuckin beer?!!!

Just got a bill off my dentist for £600. He said my smile had improved 100% – Thing is I aint got fuck all to smile about with my wallet 600 beer tokens lighter. Fuckin shark.

Pearly (Great) Whites

I don’t post here as often as I should anymore… The main reason being I’ve got a new circle of friends!

Why Viagra was invented

Take it in your hand.
Hold it upright.
Make sure you pull back smoothly down the full lengh of the shaft, then…
WHOOOOOSH!!!

Proof that perverts are more dangerous than you had ever imagined.

One to proudly show the Grandkids

The old ‘I’ve got a headache’  bullshit won’t wash with me.
So now my girlfriend will try anything to keep me out of her shaven haven. I do love a challenge though, I could undo that with my hands behind my back

Extreme contraception

I’ve been chatting up this gorgeous blonde girl on the internet.
We swapped a few pics, tits out ‘n stuff  and she said she wanted to meet up with me.  I sent her my address and next day she arranged to come to my house.

I spent an hour scrubbing my dick clean, but anyway when it came down to it she must’ve got cold feet and bottled out of coming round to my place – She texted me to meet at a pub in town instead. I sat there for hours waiting, but she never showed.

Then, to cap it all, when I got home, I’d been fuckin’ burgled.

Choose Life

Tara Palmer-Tompkinson. Love her or hate her, but I bet you can’t say her name when you’re pissed!
It’s easy to say coke head slut though, so that’ll do.

Tara Palmer Tomkinson - Pawning her underwear to buy Coke since 1990

And Tara as a baby…

Her baby sitter was Amy Winehouse

Some clever cunt Scientists discovered that typing a single search query in Google uses the half the amount of energy as boiling a kettle. So searching for ‘energy saving tips’, connects to so many datacentres around the world that it produces 7g of the greenhouse gas, C02.

So, in theory then, if I cut down on my searches for ‘Emma Watson naked’, then maybe the earth’s coal and oil resources won’t run out in 50 years after all.

On second thoughts, I’ll be to old to care then. Emma, come to daddy….

Emma Watson Increases Global Warming

Lady GaGa had her tits out in public again the other day, which is always nice.
Shame about the face though.

Going GaGa - Nice tits, Shame about the face.

Stoopid question of the day… Is BNP leader Nick Griffin racist?
Stoopid answer of the day… No.

Nick Griffin looking for Kyle. See Kyle anyone?

A quick message to the nutcase who planted a right hook on Leona Lewis during her book signing this week…

Please put the following events in your diary:

Katie Price book signing – 24th October, Waterstones, Reading

John and Edward publicity ‘meet and greet’ – 3rd November Virgin Record Store, London

Prince Charles Military Inspection – 15th November Sandhurst Military Academy, Berkshire

Stephen Gately *CANCELLED*

Funny enough it could only be the British who’d queue up politely for 5 hours just to ‘happy slap’ a celeb!

Prince Charles gets to grips with the female recruits

A reminder too that I’m looking forward to you girls scanning your pussy and passing them on to Fat Bastard. The hairy’er the better thanks;)

Cat Scanner - Scan Your Pussy

The British are so fucking PC. If we’d have landed on the moon first we’d have put up a sign saying ‘caution uneven surface’. Everythings got to be just perfect. That’s what makes it soooo fuckin’ good when out of the blue you spot something that ain’t.

This guy photographs his motor for ebay while the silly tart next door flashes her tits for a laugh.

Who’s laughing now love? Matey got a shit load of hits to his listing, his Daewoo sold for £499 more than the £1 it was worth, and the whole world now knows you’re a scrubber. Wicked;)

Worth £500? That'll be the Daewoo!

eBays had a couple of gems this week in fact, or in this case not a gem as such, but ‘Funky Fashion Jewellery’. Of course I didn’t know what the beads were used for until I read about Stephen Gately’s demise!

Funky Fashion Fuck Beads... Wear them with Pride!

Who ate all the pies? You Fat Bastard!

Fat Bastard will open in May 2009 after I got my fat lazy arse in gear an finish the site. Till then, why not download a sexy babe who’ll strip naked at your command… For free? No BullShit!!!