Do I get the job?

She didn’t get the job, and I was so laid back about it my doctor reckons I’ve got really low blood pressure.
He prescribed two sets of IKEA self assembly wall units.

Actally they looked OK, but I decided to opt for something that went together a bit more securely. Cereal boxes.

Self assembly not required

Talking of secure, I’m having computer problems…

USB - Un-known Scientific Breakthrough

One day it’ll happen to you… Porn stash un-stashed!

Sorry Mum!

Of course, the best way to make a grovelling apology to the female species …Cake

I was aiming at your mouth

Hmmmmm, Cake! Reminds me of the time I took my little sister with me as I got a hair cut.

She stood by the Barbers chair eating a cake when he turned to her and said ” you’re gonna get hair on your muffin”.

“Course I am” she said, ” an’ I’ll get tits too”.

Wills 'The Willy'

I’m not one of these pricks who beleives Bin Laden’s still alive.

However, rumour has it that Osama Bin Laden topped himself rather than watch a 4th day of Royal Wedding highlights.

Osama Bin Hidin' - Guiness world hide 'n' seek record holder

Wills pops his cork

And talking of birds I’d like to get in the sack…

Ellie Goulding nips out

Legs Wide Shut

Goin' down

Down the pub last night and there’s these two birds with really strong Cardiff accents.

I know that accent I said. “you two girls are from Scotland, ain’t you?”

“Wales you fucking prick”, one of them barked back.

“Sorry” I said, “you two whales are from Scotland!”

One lump, or two?

Interview compiled by Fat Bastard
Photography by Mike Oxlong

Fat Bastard – Britney, I would like to know how a beautiful young girl like yourself deals with the tremendous pressure of international superstardom. Don’t you ever feel burnt out?

Britney Spears...

Britney Spears – Shit No, I just love being famous – it’s a fucking carnival ride man, an’ I’m doin’ just great!!!

FB – That’s good to hear, what’s your secret?

Doin' Just Great!

BS – Well lets see… I’m on drugs most of the time. That helps. I’ve started shooting guns, an shit. I’m always pissed as a fuckin’ fart. Oh yea, and my new boyfriend (Jason Trawick) fucks like an animal!

FB – So your not against drugs then? In previous statements you’ve always said…

BS – Fuck man! I’m not supposed to talk ’bout that! My lawyers gonna be so pissed off at me. Want some breakfast? Don’t be shy…I’m having some anyway. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, drugs are bad. Don’t do that shit!
Next fucking question please!

Breakfast?

FB – There’s been a lot of… Er, sorry Britney, I can see your… You might like to cover your, er, self! Your, er, ahemmm is showing!!

Ahemm!

BS - What this old thing, fuck man every guy on the planet’s seen my bacon! Hey, didn’t you go down on me in my last interview? Or was it some other guy? No, I’m sure it was you… You’ve got a small dick, right?

This old thing?

FB – I think you must have me confused with someone else!

BS – Oh yeah big boy! Why don’t you an that cute guy with the camera have ourselves a good old fashioned threesome right here on the floor then?

Yeah, Big Boy!

Fat Bastard – Well, I really don’t know if…SURE!!!

WTF's that ugly piece of shit on her head?? Oh yea, ginger hair!

Missing was Beatrice’s role model Mum, Sarah ‘Toe sucking Fergie’ Ferguson? Although both her kids were there, but she was banned in case she caused embarrassment. Luckily Tara Palmer Tomkinson (TPT) was there to represent all that is right and proper in the British society.
Shame though, coke snorting, ‘tits out for the lads’ Tara remained fully clothed on this occasion.

Tara - Royal Blue!

Also in the news this week:

After more ten years and trillions of dollars spent. Thousands of soldiers dead and horrifically wounded. State of the art surveylance technology and elite military intelegence officers. The Americans have finally found Osama Bin Laden… In his house!

This incident has emphasised the point that despite speaking the same language, it’s amazing how there’s some subtle differences between American-English and proper (UK) English -

For example :

American’s say “sidewalk” while we say “pavement”

They say “pants” we say “trousers”

They say “buried at sea” but we say “stripped naked in a concrete cell, chained to a steel bed frame with a car battery wired to the bollocks whilst being beaten for answers”

And talking about unlucky bastards, Russell Brand.
He was happy as a dog with two dicks ’till he copped an eyeful of Katy without her slap on.

Katy Perry - So what, I still would.

Getting an eye-full upskirt I’m thinking, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection” …But she fuckin’ did!

He entered an erection contest and easily made it past the semis

Got off the tube and there’s this homeless guy sat on the floor with a three legged dog.
He’s holding a sign saying “Please help, I’m Starving” and I’m just thinking, nah, he can’t be that fuckin’ hungry, he’s not even finished his dog yet!

Up the road there’s another unwashed selling ‘The Big Issue’. Don’t they realise if it had tits in it the homeless crisis would be sorted by now?

Good news for the homeless - 85% Of accidents happen in the House

Some little old lady asked me how she could to get to the hospital – So I pushed her under the bus.
As I got on I spotted an old mate sat on his own so I went over. After the usual ‘what you been up-to’ and other inevitable bullshit chit-chat, there’s an awkward silence, so, I think of a joke.

‘What d’ya do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? – Throw in your washing’.

As we laughed the guy sat behind us, built like a brick shit-house, leaned over and said ‘NOT funny! My son had a fit in the bath and died’
We both shit ourselves as he stood up to get off the bus, then he added, ‘He choked on a sock’
Fat Bastard.

Fat Bus-tard

Oh well, now back to buying my own food, paying rent, council tax, leccy bills and stuff.
Shit, wheres my crow bar.

Taxi!!!

Got a lot to catch up on …Seems that in Football sexism is a biy of a Gray area.

Sian Massey, or as she's now known 'Just for Men' ...Use once to get rid of Gray.

You couldn’t say I was sexist , I love women. I reckon every guy should have at least three.
Not sure about babies though. I like ‘em, but I couldn’t eat a full one.

Puddum erp, puddum erp

Hmmmm, Hooters - Like Father like son

That is daddy’s thumb, right??

Thought for the day:
When you’re sat on a bus, head set on, iPod volume top whack – REMEMBER …Your farts are only silent to yourself!

And talking about farting…

Boring Christmas? Your talkin' out your arse.

Nice shoes.

An Arse (and a naked lady too)

Meanwhile the icelandic volcano’s still blowing Ash…. That’s more than Cheryl Cole is!
And the airlines are still grounded. Still, at least this cuts down the immigration and stops the Chris Moyles show for a while.
Iceland shafted us last year too when their banks went tits up with all our dosh – We asked for cash and all we got was fucking ash!

Apparently the pope cried when he met some of the pedo priests sex abuse victims – Well they do say that tears are a paedophiles lubricant of choice.

Pope on a Rope

I admit I’m a junk food addict, but calling McDonalds a restaurant is like calling Scooby Doo a detective series. Everyone knows it’s really a fantasy porn show.

Scooby Dooby Doo!

Scooby Don't

KFC bring out a bunless chicken burger. Sounds good, they’ve moved on from the early days of ‘chicken in a basket’.
But hey, WTF’s wrong with a bird in a basket?

Basket Case

Homer is a cunt

So, I’m trying to look after my health. I cut down the drinking a bit, but you know it was a good night out when you fart the next day and have to wipe your arse. Probably the crap I eat too though – Believe it or not there’s a sign in McDonalds that says ‘Sorry we don’t accept £50 notes’ -
Jesus, if I had a £50 note I’m fucked if I’d be spending it on that shite!

Going to mcdonalds for a salad? That's like going to a brothel for a hug.

Nothing quite says, ‘I’m an ugly bastard with no personality’ quite like having a Thai wife.
Although she did just say I have a big cock. Whoops, I forgot the punctuation, should read as…. She did just say, “I have a big cock”.

They couldn't understand how to 'Give Head' correctly

My Dad once said, “Son, always try to make sure you have a bird on the end of your cock at every possibility”
Good advice, and I quite like coloured birds actually.

One cock or two? - It's a Cockatoo

Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year…It’s called the iRon
I’m not sexist, but Women should know their place and, always do their clothes shopping at male recommended shopping areas. The t-shirt shop below, for example.

T-Shirt - Looks like it might be a tight fit!

This pic snatched from her banned video for ‘Telephone’, featuring Beyonce (for some reason) has actually had the all important juicy bits blurred out. So, not proof at all.

Lady GaGa's visual interpretation of Alexander Graham Bell's communication device, the Telephone.

Nice tits though , even if ’she’ does one day turn out to be a bloke.
You can download the (semi) uncensored, Banned Lady GaGa and Beyonce Video here, but it’s really not worth wanking over.
Although maybe she was, once…

Stefani Germanotta... Before she went GaGa

Lady G play the part of Sweet 16 Stefani in her new video, 'dress like a freak and show your tits to get famous'

Mix up the letters in the words ‘large breasts’ and they become a perfect anagram of ‘great braless’. Fascinating uh?

Great rack - Park your bike material

Baby blooper

On BBC news this week…. ‘Baby born to a brain dead woman’
I’m not really sure why that’s news. That shit happens every day on council estates all over the country.
But talking of mingers, you know you’re a fat ugly bitch when you walk past a site and the builders shout, “Show us your personality!”

3 Headed girl seeks blind guy with 3 dicks

Subo - The seX-Factor

I got a txt message yesterday, obviously meant for someone else, it said:
‘Hi, be home soon, love ya loads, Steve xxx’
Course, I had to have a bit of fun so I txt the guy back:
‘Don’t bother you ugly cunt, I don’t love You and I’ve been fucking your brother’
I couldn’t wait for the reply… Then it came:
‘You OK Mum?’

Txt Messages - Getting your priorities right

Your Mum’s so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending

Katie Price has gone too far this time

I tried my hand at a valentines day verse to try and charm the knickers off my gf….
‘Roses are red, but there’s also white, pink and yellow varieties too.
Violets aren’t actually blue, they’re fucking violet, hence the name!’
I’ve got OCD. And my poetry skills are also lacking so fuck it, it’s another wank tonight.

A cross I have to bear

Meanwhile Ashley Cole was pulled over doing 98mph in a 30 zone.
When quizzed by the old bill as to why he was driving so fast he replied, “l’ve just heard John Terry is parked outside my house!”

The car in front is a Toyota - 'Cos it can't fucking stop!

The ipad, It’s like inventing the wheel then a year later saying ”Hey, look, I’ve Invented a bigger wheel”

Apparently Apple’s Steve Jobs was repeatedly told to reconsider the iPad’s name due to it conjuring up images of sanitary pads.
His reply was simple – “The average Mac user doesn’t even know what a vagina is, never mind a fucking tampax.”

iPad. There's a flap for that

Girls are finally embracing modern technology and deciding it’s a great idea to take a digital camera into the bathroom. Hoorah

'Self Shooting' is a natural pastime that should be positively encouraged...

Sometimes!

Wide angle lens required

They reckon peoples surnames came from the jobs that their ancestors had. Smith being a Blacksmith for example.
Personally, I’ve always been concerned about people called Dickinson!

And talking about jobs, I dug out a pic of the head at my old school, Mr Dick.

Personally I wouldn't even leave the house with a haircut that bad

After 12 pints of Stella ‘wife beater’ Artois I finally decided to stop drinking when I stared at the picture below…
And it looked normal!

Stella Artois - Putting women in their place since 1833

Hooray, I got a loan to buy some underwear

Need cash? Flash your gash!

Sometimes though a little clothing on a girl can be just as interesting.

Extreme camel-toe and Scania wheel-nut nipples

Or even just plain practical!

Wifey material

Never forget though, women can be bitches. Last night she forced me to watch a programe on BBC – Murder, alcoholism, gratuitous violence, abortion, drug abuse, sexual infidelity, general mental cases…
Actually though, I must admit Eastenders did get quite interesting in parts. See the picture of Minty, below.

Eastenders Minty poses in Heathers silk panties

At least they didn’t have the snow we had here in England. I woke up one morning to a good 8 inches!

A longggggg drive home

Jeremy Clarkson tries to avoid being spotted in his new car

So fucking cold here I’m thinking about taking a holiday – Just a bit wary of those so called ‘naked’ body scanner xray type things that are gonna get installed in every airport.

De-pervertised xray pic

I’m no pervert, but if I was, I’d take the original xray pic, load it into PhotoShop, and click on the invert button…
As if by magic, instant wanking material.

Pervertised! WTF would we do without Photoshop?

After a night on the beer and smoke, I felt a little horse when I got home…

A good ride?

Brittany Murphy + see through dress = Drop dead gorgeous.

When I was a kid, my mum would send me down the shops with 50p. I could get a joint of beef, a dozen eggs, 2 loaves of bread and a pair of jeans. Those days are long gone now though…fucking CCTV!

Nothing wrong with using a mirror glued to the toe of your shoe... But hooray for modern upskirt view technology.

X Factor’s is Stacey Soloman is going to be huge. But I still would.

Big (very big!) X factor star, Stacey Soloman

Congrats to RATM on your UK number one this Christmas

Out-Rage-d - Simon Cowell

There’s no better eye candy than a cute naked girl…

Yummy! Wrap her up for Christmas

But always look twice before you whip your cock out!

Anyway, whilst on the subject of animals, my girlfriend was gonna fork  £100 of my hard earned at the vets today… After a long illness our faithful old mongrel has to be put to sleep.
Unfortunately, while she was in bed last night, it accidentally ate 60 paracetamol tablets, and drank half a bottle of vodka. Clumsy old thing.

Fuck a Duck

Anyway, whilst on the subject of prick-pleasers, I spotted this bikini shot of Emma Watson doing the rounds – Spoilt though by two things… (1) The bikini, and (2) If you squint a little bit it looks like she’s got some sort of animals cock.

Emma Watson, over-dressed.

What to do with all the used condoms you’ve thrown under the bed after the event?
Simple. Turn fashion guru and have her model the next catwalk phenomena.

One size fits all

Ugliest picture I’ve seen all week…

There's a fine line between living with man-boobs and suicide

And not the ugliest picture I’ve seen all week…

She's board

As if you needed to be told!

Her boyfriend came over and introduced himself. Time for a sharp exit.

He couldn't understand why he didn't get that job as toilet cleaner at McDonalds

It was pissing down and I was getting soaked – So I went to McDonalds and asked for a big mac.

Big Buns, but no ketchup?

And after the wettest November ever in UK history, it’s still pissing down…

Her mouth is wide open... And they say blondes are dumb!

Then, she chases him down the drive and he’s so dazed from her having slapped him around that he meets up with a tree and fire hydrant at high speed.  Ouch.
Pyscho wife catches up and then proceeds to smash his car up with his own golf club. But, to cap it all, he’s now been charged by the old bill and faces a fine of up to $180.

Christ, glad I’m not a Billionaire playboy with the worlds cushiest job!

Just playing 'around'

Talking of sport, but good sports this time, 19 yr old Anita Fillet (prob not her real name) sent me a pictue of her tits. Thanks slut.

Which one's she talkin' about?

She also sent me a ‘pervert test’ pic – Look through the camera strap. Obviously, I see an armpit – What about you?

Three girls in a bedroom. Christmas and birthday in one.

Now, 20 minutes of her time wouldn’t have killed her, but no. Instead she goes into ‘what do I get from sucking you off’ mode, with a face that looked like a dog licking piss off a nettle.
Even offering her a tenner didn’t swing it. In fact it’ll cost that to replace the vase and clean the carpet. Loopy bitch.

We eventually spent the night playing poker instead, and I beat her. So at least that was two things I enjoyed doing

What - No blow job?

Yep, I’ve come to terms with the fact that all women are totally fucked up.

Cup of tea... And a whiff of bacon

…And can’t drive

Women driver arrested for damaging fence

…and don’t have any dress sense

Pork Norks

Luckily tho’ it didn’t take long for last years winner, Alexandra Burke to realise you can bump up your famous-ness by flashing a bit of gash whenever you get chance – Just wish she’d tell Leona Lewis that.

Burke Alexandra - Flashing the gash for cash

John and Edward, the early years.

Jedward - Still as immature as the day they were concieved

If you were a fat, greasy mop haired speccy bastard with no dress sense, would you pose in the mirror for a selfpic and post it on the internet? No, of course not.
You’d make sure you had a stonker of a boner pushing through your boxers first. Obviously.

Sexxxxxxxxxxy

For animal lovers, a cute pussy…

A cat riding an invisible bike

For people who like to have sex with animals…

A horse dressed in a frog outfit