An Arse (and a naked lady too)

Meanwhile the icelandic volcano’s still blowing Ash…. That’s more than Cheryl Cole is!
And the airlines are still grounded. Still, at least this cuts down the immigration and stops the Chris Moyles show for a while.
Iceland shafted us last year too when their banks went tits up with all our dosh – We asked for cash and all we got was fucking ash!

Apparently the pope cried when he met some of the pedo priests sex abuse victims – Well they do say that tears are a paedophiles lubricant of choice.

Pope on a Rope

I admit I’m a junk food addict, but calling McDonalds a restaurant is like calling Scooby Doo a detective series. Everyone knows it’s really a fantasy porn show.

Scooby Dooby Doo!

Scooby Don't

KFC bring out a bunless chicken burger. Sounds good, they’ve moved on from the early days of ‘chicken in a basket’.
But hey, WTF’s wrong with a bird in a basket?

Basket Case

Homer is a cunt

So, I’m trying to look after my health. I cut down the drinking a bit, but you know it was a good night out when you fart the next day and have to wipe your arse. Probably the crap I eat too though – Believe it or not there’s a sign in McDonalds that says ‘Sorry we don’t accept £50 notes’ -
Jesus, if I had a £50 note I’m fucked if I’d be spending it on that shite!

Going to mcdonalds for a salad? That's like going to a brothel for a hug.

Nothing quite says, ‘I’m an ugly bastard with no personality’ quite like having a Thai wife.
Although she did just say I have a big cock. Whoops, I forgot the punctuation, should read as…. She did just say, “I have a big cock”.

They couldn't understand how to 'Give Head' correctly

My Dad once said, “Son, always try to make sure you have a bird on the end of your cock at every possibility”
Good advice, and I quite like coloured birds actually.

One cock or two? - It's a Cockatoo

Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year…It’s called the iRon
I’m not sexist, but Women should know their place and, always do their clothes shopping at male recommended shopping areas. The t-shirt shop below, for example.

T-Shirt - Looks like it might be a tight fit!

This pic snatched from her banned video for ‘Telephone’, featuring Beyonce (for some reason) has actually had the all important juicy bits blurred out. So, not proof at all.

Lady GaGa's visual interpretation of Alexander Graham Bell's communication device, the Telephone.

Nice tits though , even if ’she’ does one day turn out to be a bloke.
You can download the (semi) uncensored, Banned Lady GaGa and Beyonce Video here, but it’s really not worth wanking over.
Although maybe she was, once…

Stefani Germanotta... Before she went GaGa

Lady G play the part of Sweet 16 Stefani in her new video, 'dress like a freak and show your tits to get famous'

Mix up the letters in the words ‘large breasts’ and they become a perfect anagram of ‘great braless’. Fascinating uh?

Great rack - Park your bike material

Baby blooper

On BBC news this week…. ‘Baby born to a brain dead woman’
I’m not really sure why that’s news. That shit happens every day on council estates all over the country.
But talking of mingers, you know you’re a fat ugly bitch when you walk past a site and the builders shout, “Show us your personality!”

3 Headed girl seeks blind guy with 3 dicks

Subo - The seX-Factor

I got a txt message yesterday, obviously meant for someone else, it said:
‘Hi, be home soon, love ya loads, Steve xxx’
Course, I had to have a bit of fun so I txt the guy back:
‘Don’t bother you ugly cunt, I don’t love You and I’ve been fucking your brother’
I couldn’t wait for the reply… Then it came:
‘You OK Mum?’

Txt Messages - Getting your priorities right

Your Mum’s so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending

Katie Price has gone too far this time

I tried my hand at a valentines day verse to try and charm the knickers off my gf….
‘Roses are red, but there’s also white, pink and yellow varieties too.
Violets aren’t actually blue, they’re fucking violet, hence the name!’
I’ve got OCD. And my poetry skills are also lacking so fuck it, it’s another wank tonight.

A cross I have to bear

Meanwhile Ashley Cole was pulled over doing 98mph in a 30 zone.
When quizzed by the old bill as to why he was driving so fast he replied, “l’ve just heard John Terry is parked outside my house!”

The car in front is a Toyota - 'Cos it can't fucking stop!

The ipad, It’s like inventing the wheel then a year later saying ”Hey, look, I’ve Invented a bigger wheel”

Apparently Apple’s Steve Jobs was repeatedly told to reconsider the iPad’s name due to it conjuring up images of sanitary pads.
His reply was simple – “The average Mac user doesn’t even know what a vagina is, never mind a fucking tampax.”

iPad. There's a flap for that

Girls are finally embracing modern technology and deciding it’s a great idea to take a digital camera into the bathroom. Hoorah

'Self Shooting' is a natural pastime that should be positively encouraged...

Sometimes!

Wide angle lens required

They reckon peoples surnames came from the jobs that their ancestors had. Smith being a Blacksmith for example.
Personally, I’ve always been concerned about people called Dickinson!

And talking about jobs, I dug out a pic of the head at my old school, Mr Dick.

Personally I wouldn't even leave the house with a haircut that bad

After 12 pints of Stella ‘wife beater’ Artois I finally decided to stop drinking when I stared at the picture below…
And it looked normal!

Stella Artois - Putting women in their place since 1833

Hooray, I got a loan to buy some underwear

Need cash? Flash your gash!

Sometimes though a little clothing on a girl can be just as interesting.

Extreme camel-toe and Scania wheel-nut nipples

Or even just plain practical!

Wifey material

Never forget though, women can be bitches. Last night she forced me to watch a programe on BBC – Murder, alcoholism, gratuitous violence, abortion, drug abuse, sexual infidelity, general mental cases…
Actually though, I must admit Eastenders did get quite interesting in parts. See the picture of Minty, below.

Eastenders Minty poses in Heathers silk panties

At least they didn’t have the snow we had here in England. I woke up one morning to a good 8 inches!

A longggggg drive home

Jeremy Clarkson tries to avoid being spotted in his new car

So fucking cold here I’m thinking about taking a holiday – Just a bit wary of those so called ‘naked’ body scanner xray type things that are gonna get installed in every airport.

De-pervertised xray pic

I’m no pervert, but if I was, I’d take the original xray pic, load it into PhotoShop, and click on the invert button…
As if by magic, instant wanking material.

Pervertised! WTF would we do without Photoshop?

After a night on the beer and smoke, I felt a little horse when I got home…

A good ride?

Brittany Murphy + see through dress = Drop dead gorgeous.

When I was a kid, my mum would send me down the shops with 50p. I could get a joint of beef, a dozen eggs, 2 loaves of bread and a pair of jeans. Those days are long gone now though…fucking CCTV!

Nothing wrong with using a mirror glued to the toe of your shoe... But hooray for modern upskirt view technology.

X Factor’s is Stacey Soloman is going to be huge. But I still would.

Big (very big!) X factor star, Stacey Soloman

Congrats to RATM on your UK number one this Christmas

Out-Rage-d - Simon Cowell

There’s no better eye candy than a cute naked girl…

Yummy! Wrap her up for Christmas

But always look twice before you whip your cock out!

Anyway, whilst on the subject of animals, my girlfriend was gonna fork  £100 of my hard earned at the vets today… After a long illness our faithful old mongrel has to be put to sleep.
Unfortunately, while she was in bed last night, it accidentally ate 60 paracetamol tablets, and drank half a bottle of vodka. Clumsy old thing.

Fuck a Duck

Anyway, whilst on the subject of prick-pleasers, I spotted this bikini shot of Emma Watson doing the rounds – Spoilt though by two things… (1) The bikini, and (2) If you squint a little bit it looks like she’s got some sort of animals cock.

Emma Watson, over-dressed.

What to do with all the used condoms you’ve thrown under the bed after the event?
Simple. Turn fashion guru and have her model the next catwalk phenomena.

One size fits all

Ugliest picture I’ve seen all week…

There's a fine line between living with man-boobs and suicide

And not the ugliest picture I’ve seen all week…

She's board

As if you needed to be told!

Her boyfriend came over and introduced himself. Time for a sharp exit.

He couldn't understand why he didn't get that job as toilet cleaner at McDonalds

It was pissing down and I was getting soaked – So I went to McDonalds and asked for a big mac.

Big Buns, but no ketchup?

And after the wettest November ever in UK history, it’s still pissing down…

Her mouth is wide open... And they say blondes are dumb!

Then, she chases him down the drive and he’s so dazed from her having slapped him around that he meets up with a tree and fire hydrant at high speed.  Ouch.
Pyscho wife catches up and then proceeds to smash his car up with his own golf club. But, to cap it all, he’s now been charged by the old bill and faces a fine of up to $180.

Christ, glad I’m not a Billionaire playboy with the worlds cushiest job!

Just playing 'around'

Talking of sport, but good sports this time, 19 yr old Anita Fillet (prob not her real name) sent me a pictue of her tits. Thanks slut.

Which one's she talkin' about?

She also sent me a ‘pervert test’ pic – Look through the camera strap. Obviously, I see an armpit – What about you?

Three girls in a bedroom. Christmas and birthday in one.

Now, 20 minutes of her time wouldn’t have killed her, but no. Instead she goes into ‘what do I get from sucking you off’ mode, with a face that looked like a dog licking piss off a nettle.
Even offering her a tenner didn’t swing it. In fact it’ll cost that to replace the vase and clean the carpet. Loopy bitch.

We eventually spent the night playing poker instead, and I beat her. So at least that was two things I enjoyed doing

What - No blow job?

Yep, I’ve come to terms with the fact that all women are totally fucked up.

Cup of tea... And a whiff of bacon

…And can’t drive

Women driver arrested for damaging fence

…and don’t have any dress sense

Pork Norks

Luckily tho’ it didn’t take long for last years winner, Alexandra Burke to realise you can bump up your famous-ness by flashing a bit of gash whenever you get chance – Just wish she’d tell Leona Lewis that.

Burke Alexandra - Flashing the gash for cash

John and Edward, the early years.

Jedward - Still as immature as the day they were concieved

If you were a fat, greasy mop haired speccy bastard with no dress sense, would you pose in the mirror for a selfpic and post it on the internet? No, of course not.
You’d make sure you had a stonker of a boner pushing through your boxers first. Obviously.

Sexxxxxxxxxxy

For animal lovers, a cute pussy…

A cat riding an invisible bike

For people who like to have sex with animals…

A horse dressed in a frog outfit

Remember:
Fat Bastard = NO Problem
Fat Bitch = Big FAT Problem

Greedy Fat Bitch

However, if you find a bird who does gymnastic bendy stuff, she’s always a winner.  (If she swallows, then that’s an added bonus) Take her home to meet Grandma.

Yeh, I need a haircut, I know!

Can you look at this picture and not think about sex? Me neither.

Jeremy Irons

The Sun newspaper last week carried the story – ‘Girl has sex with dolphin’ Of course the girl claimed it was all a mis-understanding as she ‘must have smelt of fish from an encounter with her boyfriend over breakfast’ (?) But I think it’s obvious… She did it on porpose!

"We get on great... We just clicked"

There’s a Van Gogh painting in my local museum. A sign underneath it says ‘loaned anonymously’ So I went to the front desk and said, “I’d like my Van Gogh back now, please”
We finally got kicked out when my girlfriend sucked off a statue. She said it was worth it though, hardest cock she’d ever blown!

A monumental cock-up

Wifey Material

Don’t forget, Keep your Responsibly beer nice n chilled in the fridge. That’s Beer in the fridge. Not naked Girlfriends. Get it?

Nice, but where's the fuckin beer?!!!

Just got a bill off my dentist for £600. He said my smile had improved 100% – Thing is I aint got fuck all to smile about with my wallet 600 beer tokens lighter. Fuckin shark.

Pearly (Great) Whites

Why Viagra was invented

Take it in your hand.
Hold it upright.
Make sure you pull back smoothly down the full lengh of the shaft, then…
WHOOOOOSH!!!

Proof that perverts are more dangerous than you had ever imagined.

One to proudly show the Grandkids

The old ‘I’ve got a headache’  bullshit won’t wash with me.
So now my girlfriend will try anything to keep me out of her shaven haven. I do love a challenge though, I could undo that with my hands behind my back

Extreme contraception

I spent an hour scrubbing my dick clean, but anyway when it came down to it she must’ve got cold feet and bottled out of coming round to my place – She texted me to meet at a pub in town instead. I sat there for hours waiting, but she never showed.

Then, to cap it all, when I got home, I’d been fuckin’ burgled.

Choose Life

Tara Palmer-Tompkinson. Love her or hate her, but I bet you can’t say her name when you’re pissed!
It’s easy to say coke head slut though, so that’ll do.

Tara Palmer Tomkinson - Pawning her underwear to buy Coke since 1990

And Tara as a baby…

Her baby sitter was Amy Winehouse

So, in theory then, if I cut down on my searches for ‘Emma Watson naked’, then maybe the earth’s coal and oil resources won’t run out in 50 years after all.

On second thoughts, I’ll be to old to care then. Emma, come to daddy….

Emma Watson Increases Global Warming

Lady GaGa had her tits out in public again the other day, which is always nice.
Shame about the face though.

Going GaGa - Nice tits, Shame about the face.

Stoopid question of the day… Is BNP leader Nick Griffin racist?
Stoopid answer of the day… No.

Nick Griffin looking for Kyle. See Kyle anyone?