I was down the pub the other night when this half tasty bird walks up, eyes up my beer belly and asks, “Is that Guinness or Stella?”
I told her, “There’s a tap underneath love, help yourself.” Then she showed me her tattoo and I swear I heard wedding bells.

As if you needed to be told!

Her boyfriend came over and introduced himself. Time for a sharp exit.

He couldn't understand why he didn't get that job as toilet cleaner at McDonalds

It was pissing down and I was getting soaked – So I went to McDonalds and asked for a big mac.

Big Buns, but no ketchup?

And after the wettest November ever in UK history, it’s still pissing down…

Her mouth is wide open... And they say blondes are dumb!